ouch!

it was a difficult start this morning. i was hit by a bicycle on the way to Tai Chi. yes, a bicycle thwacked the front of my car. i had stopped at the traffic lights waiting to turn left. yes, moving bicycle rides into stationary car. threatened and abused, i walked into class, the unhappy recipient of cyclist rage. why he felt i had done him wrong i still don't understand. and how he managed to ride into me, i did not see and do not understand. nonetheless i am the big bad car driver and he's gonna report me. gulp. why didn't i ride my bike to class this morning?

energy did not really settle throughout the class, despite danya's best efforts in assisting me to consolidate what i had learned for the past 4-5 lessons. i could feel my body bunch up. a nothing.

why is it that i can only ever remember as much as up to the lesson before last? it is as if everything i learned from the lesson before is erased from the memory. does everyone go through this, or is it just me?

as i left class, walking back to the car, i felt a stretchy pain down the front of my lower legs.

Unpacking

Moving house has been an enormous upheaval. Now, surrounded by boxes, i am in chaos attempting to unpack and re-order my life around a new space, a place that doesn't quite feel like home yet.

Each day i do a little bit. Unpack a couple of items here, move a pile of stuff from this room to the next, fold some clothes and put them away. All little things, which at the end of the day, seem to have made little difference to the overall disorder surrounding me. i can satisfy myself with small gains. a little more room in the study, some more plates to use in the kitchen.

Today i realise that this is how it is. For a long time it will seem like such small incremental moves, with very little change to the overall situation - still living amongst the clutter of cardboard boxes. then one day, very suddenly all these little unpacking actions will add up, and i will wake up and find myself living in an orderly and homely space with all my stuff neatly arranged around me. i'll be able to move freely from one room to the other without tripping over boxes and dodging piles of stuff in odd corners.

This is mirrored in my Tai Chi practice. Amidst the clutter of movements, i manage to piece together some little bits here and there, feeling at most disordered. There is a sense of unpacking, where each new movement that becomes integrated into my body unwinds some part of my being. Sometimes effects chaos in my life and other times it is more subtle.

Perhaps there will come a day when i wake up one morning and it all fits together effortlessly and with complete ease.

Skin Deep

Is this about Tai Chi, or is this about life?

I recently purchased some facial cleanser from the Dr Hauschka range. with this i got the spiel on how their cleanser works differently from others on the market. More surprising though i discovered that Dr Hauschka recommend no nightly application of moisturiser. why? because according to them it teaches the skin to be lazy. conventional wisdom teaches to first cleanse the skin then apply moisturiser. but no, says Dr Hauschka, just cleanse the skin and let it sit with nothing on overnight. this gives the skin time to replenish and moisturise itself by producing its own oils. something it can easily "forget" how to do if moisturiser is regularly used.

over the weekend sue and i were discussing gender roles. her view is that perhaps we woman have too high an expectation of men as partners. after all, she says, men simply aren't equipped to provide women with emotional support in a relationship, but they can be good at providing the practical stuff. this means we women have become adept at seeking emotional nurturing and support from our women friends.

but surely, i'm thinking, would it be that men could grow lazy, like the skin and "forget" how to relate on an emotional level. so in fact if we stopped relying on women for emotional support and put that expectation back on (male) partners, this would encourage men to develop that capacity within themselves.

its a thought.

and here's one from Elizabeth Sigmund:

"True beauty comes from within,
our skin reflects this beauty."

Pain City

Tai Chi is having an effect on me that reaches far beyond the daily practice.
Last Sunday's lesson: spent the hour doing Needle Reaches To Sea Bottom. by the end of the class i could feel the stretch in the thigh muscle as i reached down. but that was not all. though i didn't notice it on the day, much more was being shifted.

on monday morning i woke in excruciating pain. my entire lower body and much of my right side was stiff, painful and swollen and i had a splitting headache.

i wasted no time in getting myself to an osteo - i was in too much discomfort to work. by the afternoon the headache had eased, mercifully. the ordeal was not over. the next morning i woke to find myself in worse strife. the pain had shifted. my upper body was loose and free, but lower back and hip so painful i was in tears.

could not bend over and getting dressed was difficult. not only that, but my nerves were shot. as i went to lift the juice bottle from the fridge that morning, 2/3 litre of apple juice and glass smashed itself onto the kitchen floor as the bottle slipped from my grip.

another trip to the osteo.

so for several days now i have been moving gingerly, with a feeling of tightness inthe abdominal and lower back region, much bloating and discomfort.
at an emotional level, many thoughts from early childhood have been arising. feelings of being alone in the world, and a recognition that i have no connections with children in my life.

this morning, the first moring i have felt ready to resume Tai Chi practice since sunday. and as i reach down in Needle Reaches To Sea Bottom, lo, the stretch in my lower back as i feel tears come to my eyes. not pain, but emotional release. this particular movement has opened something up in me.

Repulse Monkey

In the flow this morning. Why is it that some mornings it comes easily and other mornings i struggle to learn new movements? In turning, with arms swinging, i felt like a dancer. Only two-thirds the way through class did i work out in which direction to step backwards. what a difference it made! Experiencing nerve pain in my right leg and some cramping in right foot. is something working loose here?

Do things change . . .

. . . when you start to practice Tai Chi?

"Of course. But it is up to you
whether you choose to listen
to the voice of the all-pervading intelligence."

i noticed i had stopped breathing while doing the form.

early morning

Late late last night, before going to bed.
Starting at the beginning, waving hands in the air and turning to do the second movement, I felt a strong buzzing at the top of my head just above the crown. At that moment every movement in my body fel heavy/solid yet my body was moving itself. I was not thinking about the movement in particular, but noticing the strong buzzing feeling above my head. The movements flow and I am in the dance.
I get to [play guitar?] and my foot lifts in synch with arms as if they are one movement (which of course they are), so effortless. And tonight I feel that difficult movement has finally come. I watch myself and feel it move without even consciously knowing what movement I make. Still waiting for the last lesson to sink in though. i could not go that far last night.